I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
