I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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