I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
