OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
