It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
