i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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