dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
