Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
