Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
