8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
