Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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