sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
