I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
