Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
