Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
