i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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