Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
