She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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