I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
