The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
