shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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