I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
