So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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