Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
