Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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