Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
