The best revenge is premature balding
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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