I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
