Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
