I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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