There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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