last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
