bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
