oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
