ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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