Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
