Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
