No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
