nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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