kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
