There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
