Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
