why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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