Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
