I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
