dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I look better un-naked...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
