Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
