wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
