Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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