drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
